Get Rid of Then, Before and While in Your Novel
Make Your Writing Tighter, part 2
How to avoid OVERWRITING in fiction novels by looking at excessive timeline nudges.
You might have heard the phrase ‘make every word count’. And you might have heard that ‘tight writing is good writing‘. But what do these phrases actually mean? What constitutes ‘tight writing’? And what words might not be necessary?
There are four main areas where novelists fall into the trap of OVERWRITING, particularly when new to the craft:
– Over-direction
– Excessive timeline nudges
– Over-description
– Repetition and Redundancy (telling twice)
Many authors imagine scenes in their heads in a visual way. They see the characters as they move and interact. As a result, when they cast these imaginings into words they frequently over-describe the detail of what they are seeing. They underestimate the reader’s ability to work things out for themselves. In this second part of a four-part blog series, I offer a quick guide to understanding (and dealing with) the second of these issues – EXCESSIVE TIMELINE NUDGES.
Excessive Timeline Nudges (as, when, then, after, while, before)
Again, timeline nudges are more necessary in a screenplay, and less necessary in a novel. Timeline nudges are words such as then, before, after, while. Unless activities are happening out of the expected sequence, the reader can be trusted to work out the order in which things are happening – simply by the order in which they are written.
He turned on the television then pulled the curtains while breathing deeply.
Could be simplified to:
Breathing deeply, he turned on the television and pulled the curtains.
“I’m getting out of here!” he said, and with those words he left.
Could be simplified to:
“I’m getting out of here!” he said, and left.
These excessive timeline nudges are unnecessary, and their removal will tighten up your writing – moving towards the holy grail of making every word count. But their removal will also do something else – they will narrow the narrative distance.
Show, Don’t Tell
Constantly being told about the order in which things happen reminds the reader that the story in front of them is being described to them, rather than being experienced by them. It’s another example of telling rather than showing. And every time a reader is told something, rather than being shown it, the narrative distance – the gap between the reader and their immersion in the story – gets bigger. Sometimes a big gap is a good thing – when you want to take a step back to provide a broader impression of a scene. But all the examples above happen at a point where the author wants the reader to engage with the characters. And an obtrusive narrative voice is probably best avoided.
See below a paragraph taken from the wonderful book ‘On the Beach’ by Nevil Shute:
The chemist took out one of each and went back into the dispensary. He undid the smaller of the two; it contained a little plastic vial with two white tablets in it. He opened it, took out the tablets, put them carefully away, and substituted two tablets of aspirin. He put the vial back in the red box and closed it. He handed it to Peter.
There is a fair amount of action here. And it’s step-by-step action, so could very easily have contained several timeline nudges. There isn’t a single one – and as a result, it’s a clean, uncluttered rendition of the events. But the reader is fully aware of the sequence of events. Simply by the order in which the events are described, the reader can know – instinctively – how the activities unfolded.
Have a look at the same paragraph below – with apologies to Nevil Shute, I have butchered it to show how excessive timeline nudges would weaken the narrative.
The chemist took out one of each and then went back into the dispensary. Whilst there, he undid the smaller of the two; it contained a little plastic vial with two white tablets in it. He opened it, then took out the tablets, after which he put them carefully away, then substituted two tablets of aspirin. Following this, he put the vial back in the red box and closed it. Finally, he handed it to Peter.
It feels cluttered and the narrative voice is intrusive. I feel like I’m being told what’s going on, rather than witnessing it for myself. It’s also – forgive me – a little patronising.
Once you are aware of this, it’s very easy to deal with this overwriting. Just look out for the timeline prompts (as, when, then, after, before, etc.), remove them and check whether the sentence works just as well without them.
Trust your reader to work things out. Trust your writing. And make every word count.
Are you looking for an editor? Please contact me – I would be delighted to help.
